RECOVERY BLUES

my name's paul
and i'm an overweight
flatulent
alcoholic
drug addict
adult child
trying to work through my identity
and victim issues

i'm powerless
i give up
i surrender
i did the best
the worst
and the most blatantly mediocre i could
so here it is, god
get it out of my sight
take every bloody corpuscle
and call me when you're done

i've got a problem
that no serotonin reuptake inhibitor can cure
those lazy, hazy, crazy college days
of little furry animals
peeking out of the traffic lights
to say hello
turned out to be fat reichian women
ugly and stupid
with sinus problems
and i'm too old to dodge
their massive wads of phlegm

jerry garcia's dead and
i'm as useless as david crosby
before he went to jail

ergo
i have come to believe
that a power greater than me
or my credit rating
can help me fake it 'til I make it
to a semblance of sanity

my name's paul
and i'm codependent
if that's okay with everyone

i'm in touch with
my inner child
my inner adolescent
and my inner chronically fatigued
middle-aged bureaucrat

to live outside the law
you must be rigorously honest
and keep it all in "i" statements
so here goes:

i feel
that you suck

and i feel
its been so long since i've had sex
that the thirteenth step
looks mighty fine

when i was a kid
i ate boogers
i pissed in the sink
i went two years
without using soap
and discovered masturbation
while watching a hockey game

we used to call this
too much information
now we call it
a fearless moral inventory

my name's paul
and i've made a decision
to turn my life and will
over
and over
and over
and tell everyone about it
until this meeting morphs
into a narcissistic forum
that i don't have to pay for
or I write a book
that you pay for

god grant me
the self-absorption to believe
that people want to know
every sordid detail about my life
the shamelessness to whine incessantly
and the delusion
that it's all about me

THE DEATH OF ALL WE HOLD SACRED

I love you Jerry Springer

If it weren't for you
I would never know
How easy it is
To lead people
To ugliness
Instead of beauty

Here in the giant
Multimedia trailerpark
Of transgendered lesbians
Coupled with closet nazi dwarfs
Telling their spouses
They've had crabs for over three years,
We endure your mammoth
Sociological slice
of the American Night

While Ireland breaks their peace accords
India explodes a nuclear bomb
The president gets a blowjob
That costs the taxpayers 40 million dollars
We grow lazy
We grow bored
We grow stagnant

You give us what REALLY matters

Watching all these shit-for-brains
Relatives
Ex-lovers
And foot fetishists
Duke it out
As security slowly lumbers their way
Out front
To win the ratings war

I'm SICK of Oprah, Sally and Rosie...

Cater to my bestial nature
Help me embrace my shadow
Nurture my inner doggie-style militia/republican
I NEED you, Jerry Springer!

When I watch your show
I realize why
I've chosen to not be in a relationship
Why I hate surprise encounters
Why the thought of family gatherings
Makes me break out in hives

Jerry Springer
You walk forty-seven miles on barbed wire
You wear a cobra snake for a necktie
I love you, man!

You're as American
As White Castles and colon cancer
Your picture should be on
A box of corn flakes
You should be singing
The national anthem
At the World Wide Federation Church
Of the Monster Truck and Demolition Derby

I'll carry your too hot video
Next to my heart
Wherever I go
And know
There will always people
Whose lives suck
More than mine